Mothers guilt + Catholic guilt = AARGGHH!! F&^%$##!!!!!
I’m almost down to my last week of vacation before I go back to life as a teacher and working mom. BOOOOOOO!!!!! Every time I look at Annabelle’s little face I can’t help but thinking ‘I’m so sorry I can’t stay home with you’. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a fabulous mom and in my head a fabulous mom stayed home and was there for every milestone, and I hate that I can’t do that. So my idea of being a fabulous mom has got to change because my situation can’t.
After searching high and low for a daycare I was about to give up and then all the stars aligned and I met someone who knew someone and everything was right with the world… isn’t that the best? At least that’s not something I have to worry about. I know that Annabelle is well taken care of and most importantly, loved. And I’m sure she’s learning a heck of a lot more with all the other kids and fabulous activities than if she were at home with me all day. At some point even Annabelle would get bored with her fabulous mommy.
I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got and just because I’m not home all day doesn’t mean I love her any less and I can still be a fabulous mom =). She’s been going back to daycare twice a week since last week (actually only once this week because I just couldn’t give up that second day!) to get her used to being away from mommy again but I think the bigger adjustment will be for me. I’ve already cried when I’ve dropped her off, and that was only for 3 hours. What’s going to happen when I drop her off for her first full day? Oh no!!!!!
It’s the little things that I’m going to miss. Will she save her first words or first steps or first time she crawls for a weekend so I can be there? Probably not. Will I be there to hug her and tell her it’s ok when she falls and cries? Not always, but thank God someone who loves her will. If she had to go to a regular daycare with hourly workers and a high turnover rate I don’t know what I’d do. Would I feel any less guilt if I didn’t have Catholic guilt on top of mothers guilt? Probably not.
I know that at some point I’m going to have to find a babysitter for her too. Ay. That means that at some point I’m going to have to leave her on top of having to go to work. Or having to go to a Saturday training. Yuck. When I first went back to work after maternity leave I rushed to pick her up and did nothing else. This time I promise to workout because a healthy mommy is a happy mommy and a happy mommy has a happy baby. I know what some of you are thinking. “That’s life, suck it up”. I don’t care what you think and it’s my blog so if you don’t like it don’t read it. (It’s my pity party and I’ll cry if I want to!).
So wish me luck on this journey of being the most fabulous working mom I can be. Any tips or tricks on guilt reduction would be greatly appreciated. I’ll even accept magic concoctions. =)