Annabelle vs. Babysitter round 1

So I’m sitting here writing while Annabelle’s in her room getting her last bottle of the night. Form a sitter. Yes, a sitter. I had to remove myself from the room when Annabelle started crying because I just wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her it would be ok. But that kind of defeats the point of having a babysitter. Me being here at all kind of defeats the purpose of a baby sitter right? Not when you’re as crazy as I am. We’re going a dry run to see how much my heart breaks when I leave her for real and to make sure Annabelle is comfortable and there are no problems with her bedtime ritual.

Be still my breaking heart, she’s crying again. I forgot to tell her that the longer you rock Annabelle the higher her chances of staying asleep when she goes in the crib. And that sometimes she falls asleep but is still hungry and will wake up in a second and want more. I couldn’t take it anymore so I went in and she was quiet as soon as she was in my arms and when I handed her back to Courtney the crying started again, and there it goes. She’s tired, she didn’t nap well today, she’s grumpy, probably not the best day to have her very first night without mommy. Oh no, she’s still crying.

I know that every time I go in I make it worse and I’m trying sooooo hard. Seriously, how am I supposed to ever leave her when she’s fine just by having me near her. And now there’s silence. All I can hear is the way she breathes after she’s been crying. And there it goes again. And now the breathing. She has a telltale way of breathing right after she’s been crying really hard so her crying can’t be hidden from me. My poor baby.

I didn’t just pull someone off the street to watch Annabelle. She comes with references from one of the only other people I would let watch me baby, Ms. Monique. Courtney’s held her before at daycare and from the silence it seems like now they’re bonding. Courtney’s a nursing student with one semester left, she’ll be in a neo natal ICU. So at least I know Annabelle’s in qualified hands and getting the same care she’d be getting in a hospital, and she’s really sweet.

But still. If I could live my life by the amount of time I want to spend with Annabelle I’m pretty sure she’d get sick of me before she turned 2. And I have a life that must be lived. I hear other mothers say that it gets better, that you need to go out every once in a while to keep your sanity. Right now it feels like I need to stay with Annabelle all the time to keep my sanity. Things will get better. At some point I’ll have some semblance of a life. Even though Annabelle will always be the center of my world I know that I need to let go. A little bit at a time.

It will all be ok. It’s still quiet in Annabelles room. Thank God for Courtney and thank God for Ms. Monique. =)