Breaking up is hard to do

I hate confrontation. I always have. I am hopeful that one day I’ll grow out of the childish habit of shying away from confrontation and avoiding it like the plague but so far, at the age of 30, I still haven’t. Maybe it’s fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted. Whatever it is I hate it.

I’ve decided to break up with daycare. Actually I decided a long time ago but haven’t gotten around to it yet. The day that I picked Annabelle up and found her in a bouncer with no one in the room (they came rushing in when they heard the door open). She was wearing a onsie without her pants on, with no socks on and a soaking wet diaper. And as I write this I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and the regret for not having pulled her out of daycare that very same day. The owner wasn’t there that day, I spoke to her and was assured that the girls would get more training and that either her or one of the more experienced day care ladies would always be there instead of the two college girls that were alone there that day. I hate myself for not having left then.

It took a while but I convinced myself that Annabelle was loved and that she was ok. I started picking her up straight after work instead of leaving her long enough to go workout afterwards. I’ve never fully regained trust and just like anyone that’s been lied to I’ve questioned everything since then. The day there was a tornado warning and sirens were going off (literally) and I couldn’t get a hold of anyone sealed the deal on Annabelle not returning after the summer, especially since they had sheltered in the worlds smallest room under a staircase. I’ve been in that room before, it’s the area they use for diaper changing. There’s a changing table and standing room for one growwn up to change a diaper. that’s it. There isn’t enough standing room for anyone else. So when you remove the diaper changing table you might get some more people in there but had a tornado hit what would you do? with babies? that have no idea what’s going on and are locked in a tiny confined space.

About 2 months ago I had a ‘developmental conference’ where I was told that Annabelle is developing beautifully and that everything is great. Except that I need to stop breast feeding so that she can learn to self soothe. Gasp! her mommy helps her soothe! she’s a big girl, she should understand her emotions and figure them out and soothe herself! or she should just cry until she gets over it. I did not go into that conference expecting to defend my choice to breast feed past 12 months. I felt attacked and again I said nothing and sat in anger and frustration.

This morning when I dropped her off I was asked why I wasn’t sending any tylenol for her teething. I was then informed that Annabelle has been so fussy lately and that she needs tylenol because she is in so much pain and is therefore not developing appropriately. She doesn’t know as many words as she should and isn’t picking up finger plays. And she’s concerned about how runny her nose is and that since she doesn’t take anything for it she is so uncomfortable that that could also be interfering with her development. Oh and that the only reason she’s not fussy at home is because I pick her up every time she cries and she doesn’t have time to do that because she has other children to watch as well. I’ve also had the pleasure of hearing countless times that I need to let her cry it out.

Today I drove to school crying. I cried while I spoke to some co-workers about what happened today. Made several phone calls and enrolled Annabelle to start at a new day care next week. She’ll be going to Fort Worth Montessori which is where she was going to go after summer and I’m so lucky they have a spot for her right now. I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried about her transition. Annabelle is a mommys girl and is not a big fan of strangers and she doesn’t do well with transitions. And I have to wait on an affidavit from the state to get notarized on our shots that we’ve skipped since we’re on a modified vaccine schedule. But we will get through it. Even if I have to take a few unpaid days off at school since I burned through mine when Annabelle got sick, we will make it through.

I’m disapointed in myself for letting it go on and for not making the switch sooner. I’ve been so worried about how Annabelle will adjust to being somewhere new that I didn’t take the time to listen to my gut. I’m a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. Right now I don’t know what the reason is but I know that in time it will all be made clear.